Pirate praise...
"In the grand tradition of Dave Barry and other great humorists, Tim Bete has put together this alarmingly insightful book on how to raise your child to be a happy and self-sufficient pirate."
-- Rob Ossian, The Pirate Cove
"I loved Guide to Pirate Parenting! It’s as if Cap’n Billy was ripped from me own loins, which would explain that drafty feelin’ I get in me nethers."
-- Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers, co-author of Pirattitude! So You Wanna Be A Pirate? Here's How, and co-founder of Talk Like a Pirate Day
"I read it cover-to-cover without putting it down once. Wait, that's a blasted lie. I had to stop and wipe my eyes twice because I laughed so hard. The incredible guide you put together is the funniest pyratical book I've ever had the pleasure to read."
"A humorous, satirical jaunt through the world of parenting...complete with pirate-versions of popular nursery rhymes, checklists to gage your child's progress, and advice on dealing with pirate teenagers, this book contains little that might actually be useful to parents, but MUCH that might amuse them (especially after a hard day of PTA meetings and changing diapers.)"
"A brilliantly funny alternative to the usual hit and miss approach to raising children. I say let's give it a shot. The kids are turning out badly anyway."
-- Tony "Jumpy Cabin Boy" Cochran, nationally syndicated cartoonist of Agnes
"This book made me laugh so hard I had to wipe the tears from my eyes. Not a good thing when you have a hook."
-- "Fingerless Fred" Rubin, Producer of Night Court and Family Matters
"The funniest book I've read in years! If you're only going to buy one book about how to raise your kids as pirates, this should be it!"
-- Karyl "Cutthroat" Miller, Emmy Award winning sitcom writer, whose credits include The Cosby Show and The Mary Tyler Moore Show
"The only book a parent needs to turn his lily-livered land-lubbin’ lunkhead children into true pirates! Arrgh!"
Author of 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter
"Awesomely funny! Guide to Pirate Parenting showcases’ Bete’s warped, yet lovable, creativeness that makes this book a must-read for parents trying to escape the overwhelming trials of everyday life. As soon as I read, ‘If ye raised yer little powder monkeys as pirates, you’d be as happy as a bilge rat in a bunghole,’ I was hooked!"
-- Jodie Lynn, syndicated family/health columnist, best-selling author, Mom CEO (Chief Everything Officer) and CEO, Parent to Parent
The ONLY
book that can
help you raise your child as a REAL pirate with GUARANTEED results!
Buy your copy today and your kids can begin their pirate lifestyle next week!
Walk Like a Pirate Day 2008
At some point you have to stop talking the talk, and walk the walk.
That time is September 20.
Ahoy matey!
Me good friends Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers and John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur were geniuses for creating Talk Like A Pirate Day, which is celebrated on September 19 each year. (Personally, being a pirate and all, I celebrate Talk Like a Landlubber Day and say things like, "Let's drive to the mall and catch a movie" and "I'd prefer an expensive bottle of water to a ration of rum." Me crew thinks talking like a landlubber is hilarious!)
While Talk Like a Pirate Day is as much fun as firing at a merchant vessel, at some point you have to stop talking the talk, and walk the walk. No, not off the plank, me hearty. I mean it's more fun to ACT like a pirate than just TALK like one. That's why I wrote me book, Cap'n Billy "The Butcher MacDougall's Guide to Pirate Parenting: Why you should raise your kids as pirates and 101 tips on how to do it. It's also why I be declaring Sept. 20, 2008 the second-annual Walk Like a Pirate Day. (Since you'll perfect your pirate voice on Sept. 19, you're already one step ahead of the game.)
Ye can start Sept. 20 pretending you have a peg leg or that yer toe was bitten by a bilge rat. You could even put a live codfish down your pants, if ye want to walk like "Crazy Legs" Johnny Jibson, the first mate on me first ship. But "walking the pirate walk" means acting like a pirate in every way.
Here are a few suggestions for Walk Like a Pirate Day:
Prepare a typical pirate meal for yer family!
Here are some menu suggestions:
• Salt Cod and Rice (heavy on the salt cod)
• Rice and Salt Cod (light on the rice)
• Salt Cod Medley (salt cod combined with chunks of salt cod)
• Salt Cod and Salt Cod with Salt Cod in a Salt Cod sauce
• Rum
How to cook salt cod: Rinse the fish and cut it into pieces. Place the pieces in a dish of cold water and soak in the refrigerator for 24 hours. Change the water several times during the day. Prior to dinner, drain the fish and place it in the trashcan. Order pizza.
Remember that fiber is important to your diet and is surprisingly easy to find aboard ship – as long as you’re willing to eat rope. Prepare rope dishes for your family! (Make sure to use manila or hemp rope and NOT rope made from nylon or polypropylene.) Two favorite pirate rope dishes are Rope Shiraz with Porcini and Whole Shallots, and Rope with Roasted Lemons, Green Olives and Capers.
Get yer sea legs!
Waterbeds help new pirates get their sea legs long before they ever set sail on the ocean. They provide good practice for sleeping on board a ship and are also good for practicing other pirate tasks. Jump up and down on one end of the bed while your child attempts to do his homework on the other end. This is similar to filling out the captain’s logbook in heavy seas. Also have your child try hand-to-hand combat, barrel rolling and pouring rum, while on the waterbed. Note: If your child has already had his hook installed, make sure a plastic hook guard is in place before doing any waterbed activities.
Attend a sporting event and cheer at every foul!
Focus on the most important parts of the sports in which you watch--the penalties or fouls! Create your own pirate penalties such as:
• Roughing the parrot (also know as a “fowl shot”)
• Flogging the kicker
• Three-second violation (not moving away from the front of a cannon
quickly enough)
• Personal fowl (stealing someone else’s parrot)
• Face masking (tearing the eye patch off another player)
• Illegal use of peg leg
• Offensive mast interference
• Hooking
Practice pirate health and safety!
To treat a cut, rinse it off and apply pressure with a clean cloth. If after five minutes the bleeding continues, check carefully to see if an arm or leg has been severed or if there is a hole in your pirate’s torso that is the size of a parrot. Reattach the limb or plug the hole with any parrot-sized object. Wait two or three days before beginning a personal vendetta against the person who caused the wound. Do not rub salt in the wound, unless the wound is in a prisoner.
To remove chewing gum from someone's hair, rub a small amount of mayonnaise or peanut butter in the hair where the gum is. After working it in for awhile, the gum will come out easily. This solution also works for more serious issues, such as if a giant octopus wraps its tentacles around your face. If this occurs, apply a large amount of mayonnaise or peanut butter to the octopus and work it into the octopus until the beast slides off. If there isn’t any mayonnaise or peanut butter on the ship, stick the octopus with a dagger six- or seven-hundred times, being careful not to get the knife too close to your face.
Also remember to remove your hook during electrical storms.
Convert your minivan into a pirate schooner!
A pirate without a ship is like a buccanner without a boat. Without a ship, a pirate is just a pathetic landlubber with an eye patch. But you may not live near the ocean. Convert your minivan into a pirate schooner—a land-based pirate training vehicle!
Celebrate these other pirate days!
• Caulk Like a Pirate Day: It's never too soon to fill the cracks in yer ship's hull!
• Balk Like a Pirate Day: Celebrated by the Pittsburgh baseball team's pitchers or if you're offered a two-week old squid sandwich.
• Stalk Like a Pirate Day: What you do just before you steal the booty!
• Gawk Like a Pirate Day: "Shiver me timbers, will you look at that thar beauty!"
• Squawk Like a Pirate Day: Something you can celebrate with yer parrot.
• Hawk Like a Pirate Day: A great excuse to sell yer old eye patches on eBay.
And why stop at September 20? Why not celebrate Walk Like a Pirate Day year round!?!
Happy plundering!
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
(c) 2008, Timothy P. Bete
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Guide to Pirate Parenting
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